“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
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Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
A duv-egg? In this economy?
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes