I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
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Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Danger is very dangerous
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.