“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
You Might Also Like
Straight people are cancelled
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
e
e
e
a
n
s
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Mad Max Arctic Road
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Customize Your Wedding.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
dream blunt rotation
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’