I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
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Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
screw you
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*