I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
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Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will