[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
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[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring