why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
You Might Also Like
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!