Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
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First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me: