Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
You Might Also Like
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this