Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
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My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.