wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
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Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
The news
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree