people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
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I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.