No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
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My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.