Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
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My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.