Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
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just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
black phone good
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?