Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
You Might Also Like
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Dietest Coke
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists