some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
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My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget