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The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Birds & Planes.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees