Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
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WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
just pretend nothing happened
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot