“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
You Might Also Like
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Seems kinda suspicious
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.