If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
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Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one