Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
You Might Also Like
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
lol
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
Name this drama.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail