You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
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Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
A friend sent me this.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
#CatsOnTwitter
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Still cracks me up
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”