Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
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*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.