“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
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A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.