Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
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When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
asked my bf how work was today
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Overindulged this afternoon.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
I can’t deal with men any longer
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.