People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
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*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Hit me in the face with a bird
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.