[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
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*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.