Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
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GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”