My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
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If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.