Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
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*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!