Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
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I think the cat got the dog high.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
sensitive skin
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.