[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
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Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site