I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
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I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake