Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
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I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.