Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
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My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream