I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
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They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
This made me smile…
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.