“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
You Might Also Like
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you