I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
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This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
RT if you could go either way.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.