[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
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Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Truth
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂