Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
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Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Just a phase…
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
President The Rock Obama
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Me irl