[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
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[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.