Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
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“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!