Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
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[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
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Morningbreath
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A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.