might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
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Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone