My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
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Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”