Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
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When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
saving face 👀
*serious situation*
My brain:
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
i love meeting boys on tinder
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.