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me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?