Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
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*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
What do you hear?
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out