Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
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me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave